I am a few months away from turning thirty and it has been four and half years since I got married. If you are a woman, there is a sure chance that you would know what I am hinting on. Everyone, literally everyone – from parents to friends, relatives, neighbors, maids, and the laundry guy is looking forward to spotting my baby bump. I shouldn’t be surprised for it started from the very first month of our marriage when a close relative subtly asked whether I have missed my period. Whoa! Seriously? No kidding!
Don’t get me wrong, but P and I adore kids, as long as it is someone else’s. They are cute and fun to be around. P is a child’s superhero and I look at him in awe when in a get-together all the kids gather around him in minutes and play with him. Not a single baby has cried in my arms and I have always made them smile. We love our nephews and nieces and our neighbor’s kids. But does that mean we are dying to be parents?
[tweetshare tweet=”To have a child or not is a choice and should be taken by the couple. Not anyone else!” username=”kohleyedme”]Everyone we meet looks into our ’empty’ life. They have sympathy in their eyes and voice. Some have even promised that they would remember us in their ‘prayers’. To have or have not is a choice and when it is about bringing a child into this world, I believe, it is a decision that should be taken by the couple and not anyone else. I know that to have children isn’t really a choice at all, for many. You get a degree, a job, buy a house, get married, and then…pop! A child should be out in months!
Believe me, I have thought about being a mother. But just because someone else thinks that my biological clock is ticking, doesn’t mean that I should be one. Sometimes, I even fear if I have a motherly instinct at all. I respect the young parents around me, most of them my friends. Some are miserable, some are happy. But many cribs about everything beneath the sky – the lack of sleep, the crying baby, the food, the poop. It is a huge responsibility, a life changer, and P and I have discussed in length and breadth about this.
[tweetshare tweet=”To have or have not is a choice. Not an obligation!” username=”kohleyedme”]
We are happy in our lives and are still crazy about each other. We have a lot more to give to one another and may be, we are just being plain selfish. We love how independent our lives are at this point- being able to travel when we want, where we want, to pamper ourselves in some impromptu singing and dancing or to simply talk and do anything in our home without having to think twice about it. Or maybe I just want to take care of my health and get back in shape. Or maybe, we want the child to feel welcomed and not simply be an obligation. Or maybe, just maybe, FEEL R.I.G.H.T.
We are clear in our heads as to if and when it shall be. We even talk about the ‘name/s’. But I do not know as to why it is anyone’s business but ours! Spare me the ‘hey bhagwan isko kyun nahin bacche dete (Dear Lord! Why don’t you give a child to them)’ and the likes.
I’m linking this musing with #MondayMusings at EveryDay Gyaan. I hope you join us!
Absolutely and turning 30 is no reason to become parents. It’s a decision only you can take and you shouldn’t listen to anyone. It’s a huge life changer. So, do it only when you both want to, especially you because believe it or not, the mother has to do more, perhaps it’s biological.And about being crazy about each other, you can be that even after you become parents 🙂 but that shouldn’t be criteria at all. All these people who want you to have kids as if it’s like making a dish won’t even help you when you are running from morning to night every day. So, forget them and enjoy your life, woman just the way you want to. To have or not to have is only your decision.
We complete 7 years of marriage this year AND chose NOT to have a child. So I know what you mean, Shalini.
I am glad you and P are standing your ground and have decided to have a baby when you’ll want to. More power to you both and your sensibility.
When will we be rid of this malaise, I wonder? It is so annoying. It’s best to want to become a parent than to become a parent because others want you to be one and then detest that choice. Taking an informed decision is always best. At the end of the day, you have to slog and hence must own the decision completely.
Another typical Indian factor, isn’t it? I see my mom and the generation behaving this ways and frankly, it is none of their business. Please follow your heart and make your own decisions rather than obliging others. Take care.
Hey Shalini. If it makes you feel good, a friend of mine ( both of us are happy now with grown up married kids) and I always said that if there was an Internship for Motherhood, no women would have taken up the job.
And if it makes you feel even better – I had a lovely retort for those who asked me why I wasn’t trying for a son ( I have two daughters) especially the old aunties and uncles who would also monitor my waist line – I would tell them it was more fun TRYING for a baby than having one….. That really shut them up red faced.
But jokes apart. It is entirely YOUR choice and NO ONE has the right to make you feel bad about your choices. Keep smiling and keep having fun trying 😉
I like this line about trying being more fun.I have had suggestion of this kind too !
Certain things never change. And absolutely not when it comes to the society telling a woman to have a baby. From somebody who decided to have a baby after she got sick of the 24×7 questioning and ridicule for not having a baby even after 3 years of marriage and nearing 30, let me tell you doing it this way is a lost deal. The same people never come to help when the new mother goes through hardships, physically, mentally and emotionally. They will still be judging, albeit on different matters. So, harden your skin, lots and have a baby only when you think you really want to.
I totally get you. Plus I am bad with kids. Unless they are older, they cry around me all the time. It’s a huge responsibility, and should be undertaken only when one feels like it. Else imagine all the regrets one might feel after having a baby. Take your time girl 🙂
Hugs, Shalini. This is a hard post to write only because you’re going to face some flak for it. But not from me.
I admire your stand. It is NO one else’s business.
Having married at 41, I know the crap I’ve heard, including one smart jackass wondering why I was getting married when I was past the ‘child-bearing age’. We decided before we got married that we were not going to try any medical stuff and adoption was a route we considered for a brief time. However, we were hit on two counts, by our cumulative age and by the the fact that Christians in India can’t adopt (crazy but true).
Today, we are happy with our choices and the freedom we have. There’s always a work around in India, but both of us go too much by the book to try that.
This is beyond crazy !!!
My mom-in-law asked me two months after marriage if I had some problem as I was not getting pregnant. I felt humiliated that day. As if I was nothing else than a baby making machine. I hate when people say motherhood completes a woman etc…it is a choice that the couple need to decide.
We should stop poking into others lives and when does we stop relating age with everything. 30- have a child. 40- stop having fun, 50- stop traveling. Having a child is only the couple’s wish.
It’s so frustrating isn’t it? It’s no one’s business but your’s and your husband’s. Are all these people going to look after the child and feed and clothe and bathe it if you’re not ready? People frustrate me no end. I don’t want to have kids and get sick of people saying this. In fact, I started retorting to people that you can’t try before you buy. It’s a commitment one needs to be ready for.Not just have a kid because society thinks so. Good on you both!
Ah! This eternal question. I’ve been married 15 years, no children, no plan to have any children. And we had to fight everyone – my parents, friends, neighbors, maids…I’m sure you get the drift. But we can’t be happier – we are independent, do the things we love to do, and are super content in our lives. Having a child is a choice – good on you for standing your ground!
Just do what feels like and say outrageous stuff to.shut them up. I had my child 4 years after my marriage and when I felt I was ready .I luatened to only my own mind and my hubby .It’s your life snd you get to choose.Two hoots for the rest !
I’ve received pressure about having children as well. It’s such a silly thing to push someone to do because of what a personal and life-changing decision it is to become a parent.
I couldn’t agree with Lata more. Don’t let others push you into anything you don’t want or aren’t ready to do.
The best time is always when both of you are ready for it. Till then, say cheers to life and enjoy!
The one thing I’ve learnt after I had my girl is – you should have one when YOU are ready. Everyone maybe be there initially to support, but its a commitment for mother lifelong. Even when no one is around. So keep rocking till you guys feel the need one having one!!
I can understand You, Shalu. The same questions were thrown on my sister who is married for for 20 years but no children. But they are leading a loving and more meaningful life engaging themselves in social activities. Sure, having a baby or not is the couple’s decision and not of any others. Hugs to you dearie.
I’m glad that you and P are following your heart, Shalini. It is a huge commitment. Even after 7 years, I sometimes doubt my ability. And I get angry towards everyone who gave the gyan on having two kids. It’s too much. I feel like I’m losing myself. I’m in bits and pieces. It is not good for anyone. And where are the people who felt the necessity for us to have two kids? But thank god, we went for the second only because we wanted to have another and because Kanna wanted a baby so dearly. So there’s that.
You enjoy your freedom and sanity now, Shalini. When you are ready you will know i, not the people around you.
I went through the same thing last year when I turned 30. I turn 31 next month and I have a list of 31 reasons to NOT have a child. While people have come up with their own reasons as to why we do not have one, the most popular one is about how I am way too self obsessed with my career and my body that I think a child might ruin it.
Having a child is a serious thing. The responsibility lies on the mother most of the times and is not something that I want to do at present. I love kids, as long as they are not mine. I like to look/play with them for sometime and then I’m done. I like Pandas too, doesn’t mean I adopt one right?
I too doubt if I have that maternal instinct in me, but I think that if I want to have a child someday then it might automatically come. Until then Cal and I want to love, travel, stay childish and laugh at other couples struggling with children 🙂
Motherhood is way too overrated, trust me.
I completely get it. I will turn 30 next month and everyone looks at me as if I am making the biggest mistake of my life by not having kids. It’s ridiculous really. Every where I go I hear ‘Stop planning and start popping’. A couple should have a kid only when they think they are ready not when society thinks they should. I am with you completely.
I started hearing this after one month into marriage. And even now … “Vishesham aayile” boils me up. If i want to have a child, I’ll. I can totally understand you girl. And so glad that P & you are just following your heart. Like you said, you both should feel right about having a child, rather than worrying about the biological clock and the world. Enjoy girl and live your life. A child is your decision completely. <3
So glad to read about your sensibilities about such a major decision in life. One must bring a child in this world only when one has understood what all it emtails! PPl have kids as per the socieal expectations and then dont know how to handle them and lump their ill behaviour and tantrums on the unsuspecting public with a casual shrug of their shoulder saying – why cant we have a life too?
I applaud your bravery to stand firm on this decision in the faceof our ever judging , hypocritical society..
BTW my sis has a son and now everyone is after her to think of having a second one – it just doesnt end!!!!
Ah! the toughest thing to handle surely. But fret not, cause the world would have its own opinion on almost any matter under the sun. Having a baby is a decision between you and P and it should happen when you guys are ready. So till then don’t fall this biological clock trap… Live your life the way you desire it!
Very valid points. The pressure of making a baby becomes unbearable at times. Afterall its a couples decision when to go for a family and most of the times the poking nose of the relatives is sad and uncalled for
Rightly said. It should be a couple’s personal choice when to have a baby or whether to have a baby or not. It shouldn’t be an obligation. But our society is always like that right? If you don’t get a “decent” job by a certain age you are a loser. If you are not married by a certain age- there is something wrong. And if you don’t have a child after certain time of being married- something is wrong! It is really annoying when people think they can make your personal decisions.
It’s crazy how society feels like it is entitled to meddle in people’s lives. Right from the “correct age” to get married, to having kids, to having another one to give a sibling to the first kid. Some people really need boundaries!
But you are right, Shalini. You do you. A kid is a big commitment. And of-course one that brings a lot of joy into your life, but it’s also the biggest challenge you will ever face as a couple. So you really need to be mentally, physically, and financially prepared for this particular choice.
I get you! People just can’t help having an opinion and , yes you get to chose what you want. When you want!