I just wanted to scream out loud and run away somewhere. It was as if everyone and everything around me wanted to blow a fuse and I wanted to eat them alive. Though a dear friend, a colleague of mine tried to cheer me up in the best of his abilities, I knew I had lost it today..as if there was so much negativity around me.
Do I have reasons?
Oh yes. Plenty.
My darling mother had refused to consult a doctor the entire week even though she had minor chest pains. How dare I say minor when she couldn’t even walk two steps or lie down in bed! I was screaming at the top of my lungs all these days, because that’s the only thing I can do being thousands of miles away from her. She was waiting for me to be home next month to visit a doctor. God! And finally when she somehow did because of my warnings and threatening (yes, I had lost my patience!), the doctor informed that she was on the verge of a heart failure and advised complete rest for a month.
I had woken up at least a dozen times last night with haunting nightmares. I haven’t spoken about it to anyone till now. Not even my husband because he is taking his exams and I do not want anyone to worry. But I just can’t take it anymore. Alone.
Work? That was equally horrifying. With a manager who doesn’t even know how to spell a word correctly, sends out pretty long emails trying to escalate even the tiniest of lapses. Oh, it’s the season of hikes and appraisals and all he does is scrutinize anything and everything.
Friends? They have finally moved on. When from the bottom of my heart I’m happy, I’m equally angry with myself. When will I learn to truly let go? When will I learn to stop making the same mistakes over and over again? When will I stop trusting every Tom, Dick and Harry and find excuses to consider them saints and me as the sole culprit?
Heartbreak? I have made some terrible choices. Terrible mistakes. But I did have somebody whom I thought of as a friend or something more than that. If you ask me now, it wasn’t ‘love’…, the way teens tag it, it was more of a strong emotional connection. Something which I still can’t explain. So, now when you know it was all a lie, how do you soothe the writhing pain in your heart? When you have been treated like garbage, how do you believe in another soul? How do you let another one in again?
My roommate had a huge crush on this guy. She was head over heels in love and to an extend the guy reciprocated his feelings as well. Being a roommate, I am the witness, you see. Now when she finally had the guts to open her heart to him, he said they were just friends. Oh boy, why don’t people be genuine?
When one day you say you love someone, chat till wee hours in the morning, and you thank the ones who created Whatsapp and even the Internet with all your might and soul, the in two months time he acts as if there was nothing at all!! How can someone be so naive to say ‘I never loved you’ after those sweet talks and stolen kisses? When you began the relationship with the word love and end it with ‘I don’t have any idea what you are talking about’!
Spineless. Makes me puke.
I wish I could find solace in alcohol. I truly wish I could drink and dance and be merry. I somehow do not have the nerves to do the same.
I sometimes wish I could hope for terrible things to happen to the ones who hurt me. The meanest of the things. Like …like a heartbreak just like I suffered or somebody treating the same way I was treated. But then, I am unable to. I still have them in my prayers. Honestly, that makes me angry.
I miss my life. You know the one when I was a carefree spirit, that even when my heart was punctured and ruptured I easily got up as if it didn’t affect me any much. My smile never faded. But now people ask me why I’m in so much pain! I’m not exaggerating even a bit. I never knew that my smile had turned into a frown. It’s bad. I know it is bad.
Today a friend of mine said something which made me contemplate. He said mine is the most depressing Facebook ever. What he meant was about the statuses which I posted saying I had celebrated Diwali alone. But this made me think and I went through the updates I shared the past one year.
Gosh, one year! Depressing is just a word. It’s more or less sickening. As always, my first instinct was to deactivate my FB for sometime. People say it helps you. May be, I will. For now, I am just ranting and cribbing and letting the frustrations out.
Who knows, may be soon, I will just go- Leave things behind- the blogs, social media and all this sort of baloney!
For now, I feel empty.
As if there is nothing to look forward to.
As if I’m just done!